Saladhead's dating strategy

Wow, where do I even start.

• I've been trying to write this blog post for at least 2 years. I've been growing and learning and didn't want to prematurely blow my knowledge load. But I'm ready now, so here we go.
• I'll start by saying that I still believe in happily-ever-after.
• I accept that I cannot control (and shouldn't try to control) how/when I meet my mate, so a good dating strategy is key in today's dating climate.
• I come bearing good news though. I can confirm that I deeply enjoy being single and I even enjoy dating (it's easy to feel desperate in certain stages of dating).
• I'm a straight woman who is into dudes. This post is written from that perspective and that perspective only.

With the disclaimers out of the way, I present Saladhead's dating wisdom from over the past 2 years.

Dating should be FUN

Dating should be fun. If it becomes more painful than fun, put the apps aside and find a project that will absorb your time/energy for awhile. It's better to be lonely and bored than out there feeling rejected and shitty.

Related: we attract into our lives WHAT WE ARE.

Nobody has a clue what they're looking for

Let's be real. Nobody knows what they want. We do a great job of convincing ourselves that we want something "serious" or "casual" but really we just want a real connection, which is simply a release of energy.

Stop asking people what they're looking for because you sound basic.

Don't date if you're feeling lonely

Related to "Dating should be FUN"

If you're on the dating scene because you're lonely, get ready for a world of disappointment. People who've been on the dating scene for awhile can sniff out a lonely (read: desperate) person from a mile away. You're going to face rejection and disappointment, so just wait until you're in a better place before you get out there.

Confidence is the MOST attractive thing. Period.

Obviously everyone has insecurities, but you don't want to lead with those. Also, you probably won't discover satisfying relationships until you truly believe you're worthy of it. Stop performing on your date, stop fixing your hair, and start getting curious about whether there's a connection. Think about that.

If you're struggling to feel confident, my best advice is to work on your friendships. So much of our confidence in relationships is earned through developing our friendships.

Also: stop fishing or digging for compliments. When you receive a compliment, a simple "thank you" will do. It's okay if you feel shy when you say it, just say it!

Go ahead feel powerful... then powerless

Learn how to surrender. In dating, there's lots of highs and lows and you need to be willing to surrender to that. Don't shy away from your experience!

Take things slow

To the extent humanly possible, take things slow. Give your new fling some space to simmer and build up. If you're expecting a relationship to pop off after a couple dates, you might be putting too much energy into your dating life. Again, find a project that can absorb some of your free time.

Sex won't change the dynamic

Before you get physical with someone, check yourself. Hooking up with someone isn't going to change your dynamic, so if you're going to NEED MORE from the relationship after hooking up, DON'T HOOK UP. Wait until the dynamic meets your needs BEFORE hooking up. We call this "being ready."

On the flip side, sex won't change the dynamic, so if you're craving a romp, why wait? Oh, because you're a modest, traditional girl? Your parents raised you differently? You've never done anything like this before? That might be true, but don't say it out loud because you sound basic. Your boundaries will be stronger if you own them without explanation.

We all like a good chase

Dating is an emotional game. Accept that you love the game and the whole thing will feel lighter. There are different ways to play the game, but the basic rule is "don't be needy." Some people actually seek relationships that make them feel insecure. It can be thrilling!

So I completely changed my dating approach this last summer. It's really simple: I stopped reaching out to guys. I stopped initiating. I actually just stopped trying. You might THINK you're not initiating, but you probably are. I challenge you to not initiate any conversations or suggest dates with guys and see what happens. If he sends you an emoji response to your Instagram story, I challenge you to ignore it. Make him earn your attention with more than an emoji or double-tap.

Why? Because it allows you to focus your attention on the guys who HAVE to see you vs. the ones who need a reminder that you exist slash are breadcrumbing (leading you on).

If this sounds emotionally manipulative to you it's because it is. Newsflash: we like people who emotionally manipulate us (in ways we like). Welcome to dating for single-young-professionals-in-coastal-cities.

Emotional bombs will go off

Again, dating is an emotional game, so emotional bombs will go off. You never know when you'll suddenly feel disappointed, rejected, used, or guilty. DON'T RESIST these feelings. Let them be, sit with them, and you'll heal faster.

In these moments, I like having an active coping exercise. Here's what I do:

(1) I make a list of all my feelings

(2) I make a list of all my thoughts

(3) I take one of my thoughts and ask myself "can I know for ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that this is true?"

For example:

In the example above, you might take the phrase "He's not that into me" and ask yourself: can I know for absolute certainty that this is true? And of course, the answer is no. I really love this exercise and have to give credit to my friend Berry for introducing it to me.

Be cautious

We're adults, but sh*t still happens. People still get roofied, cat-fished, whatever. Make sure you see the bartender pour your drink, don't drink from a stranger's drink, and meet in public places. I know someone who was offered a drink from a table with bottle service... seemed legit enough... free drink... yeah she got roofied... thankfully ended up in the ER and not somewhere random.

Let your friends know where you're headed, perhaps share your location. This is obviously more of an issue for women. Don't learn this lesson the hard way.

Go ahead... feel hopeful!

One of the most exciting parts of dating is that exciting, hopeful feeling you get when connecting with someone new. Just be present and enjoy it while it's happening!

Be open-hearted, be emotionally brave. When someone you're interested in is clearly available, go for it!

Respect is sexy

Respect is incredibly sexy. If there isn't mutual respect it's going to fizzle very quickly. Mutual respect leads to good fit. Can you imagine what it would feel like to respect someone on every level? Yeah, let's not compromise on this one.

Desiring vs. wanting to be desired

You need both, it's a feedback loop. If there's no feedback loop, it's going to fizzle. When in doubt, show some interest.

Know and respect your terms

If your needs/terms are not being met (or if everything is on their terms) it's a toxic situation that you should excuse yourself from. If you're making compromises from the jump it's a bad sign. It's hard to make this call sometimes, especially if you have great chemistry with someone.

You've got to keep it real with yourself. Are you already compromising? Is the relationship healing or hurting?

Chemistry is abundant

You can experience hot and heavy chemistry with a surprising number of people. They might not be your future partner, but you can still enjoy a great moment together. My point is: if you're dating someone who is giving you grief, don't stick around solely because the chemistry is great.

Let a fling be a fling, don't give every loser a chance

Wow, this one is really harsh. I might offend some people with this one. Here's the deal: just because you have great chemistry with someone doesn't mean they could be your boyfriend someday. STOP GIVING EVERY LOSER A CHANCE TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND. Let a fling be a fling.

If you give every guy the opportunity to be your boyfriend, you are actually selling yourself short. Also, a crush is a beautiful thing. Why not let a crush be a crush? Why not let a fling be a fling?

Don't "fix" people, fix yourself

Don't fix people. Don't train people. Don't change people.

Fix yourself. Train yourself. Change yourself. Period.

Care about your own experience

Prioritize your own experience because nobody else will. Trust your instincts. If you're getting a bad vibe, GTFO.

Don't seek attention

Beautiful things don't ask for attention.

Caring counts

Don't be an asshole. Give a shit about other people. Be considerate and consider other people's feelings.

Being honest is usually worth the risk

You gotta know the truth to tell the truth. The best way to understand where you're at is to get out of your head, get out of your heart, and focus on your guts. Are they relaxed, light, fluttery? Are they clenched, twisted, heavy? (BTW: the latter is a sign that things are not on your terms and that you're compromising)

Timing and fit

At one point I could have written an entire post on this. Timing and fit need to align (for both people) before a meaningful relationship can blossom.

• If the timing is off, but the fit is on = likely to be a casual relationship

• If the timing is on, but the fit is off = you're settling

• If both are off, it's obviously a pass

• If both are on, things are most likely to progress

With regard to timing, it's all about priorities. For example, a man who isn't satisfied with where he is in his career is NOT likely to prioritize a relationship.

With regard to fit, here is what I personally look for:

• Career satisfaction (that is, he should be satisfied with his career)
• Lifestyle preferences (should be compatible or very similar)
• Chemistry (should exit)
• Attentiveness (he has to be attentive and care about my needs)
• Emotional security/stability (can't be crazy)

Closure and breakups and ghosting

Learn how to give yourself closure. You can't break up with someone who isn't trying to hang out with you. I repeat: you can't break up with someone who isn't trying to hang out with you. Just move on.

On the flip side, if you're not feeling someone anymore, do them a favor and tell them you're moving on. Ghosting is a basic move.

It's so hard to let go of love that's untested and unfinished, I know. But you'll get better at it.

That feeling when you discover something beautiful

You'll recognize it right away. It will click into place without any force. A natural connection. Something that feels easy but deep. Take a deep breath and be brave because this is how your love story might begin.

Be approachable

All you have to do is smile. Everyone looks so mad these days, you can really stand out just by smiling.

And finally...

One question that I still have for myself:

1. Could I really belong to somebody?